We're all in love with stolen hearts...

When will I see the past for what it is? A bunch of experiences that help change, form and grow people into who they are in the present. If A didn't happen, then B wouldn't have occurred and C would have never taken place. I need to remember this and meditate on it. We are the sum of our experiences. We live and then we learn and then we grow and adapt. I'm still adapting.

Taking time out for myself today. I've needed this for a long time. I'm all peopled out. I don't handle constant partying and people time as well as others.

Lovedrug is helping me get through it.

Also, this:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions." -RMR

Don't Stop Movin'...

 

I'm back from PSO (My Americorps VISTA training)! It was a crazy fun week and now I'm exhausted. It was amazing meeting lots of new and amazing people. I can't wait to hear all about how their positions go at their organizations in the next year. I can't wait to see where mine takes me.

It feels so good when everything in your life lines up. Values, mission, love, community, peace. Now I need to use this time to help those who are looking to have everything in their life line up.

Meditate on the blessings you have and how you can use them for good in someone else's life.

Take a step out of your comfort zone. Do something that forces you to build character and grow as a human being.

Love someone.

Reckoner...

Here is just a taste of what I've been doing lately with my camera. I will post a lot more where this came from on my flickr site tomorrow.

In the mean time you should check out this -> Old Worlds

Till next time.

Dying Days...

 

This is the best picture I've taken in a really long time. It has renewed my passion for photography. Of course, it is one good one out of about 60 but that's how photography goes.

I love the fall so much. It makes me feel all warm and cozy whenever I'm outside and smell the air and see the warm colors of the season. In my Heaven, it will be autumn always.

Never Let This Go...

I've been feeling abandoned and out of place lately. This is partly my fault. I think there is a balance to everything. We have a period of hanging out with people and having a good time... eventually this has to be followed by a time of solitude and reflection. At least for us introverts. I can't help but think of things my mom has told me and wonder if she just might be right after all.

This is all just to say that aside from some killer hangout time, I have not been enjoying the down time. I know I need my alone time to recollect and regroup but you know what? I don't want it. I don't want alone time. I like community. I like coming home to people in my house. I like hanging out in rooms full of people whom I love.

Dammit.

Edit: Again, I became selfish and focused only on myself. It turns out I have been the one abandoning people. Maybe this is just a big "what goes around, comes around" or karma kind of thing. You deserve this Emily.

Close to Home...

 

I love these people. That's all there is to it. Now if I could just say that to their face...

The Irresistible Revolution...

"I once heard the saying 'God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable.' In my suburban comfort, I increasingly felt disturbed by God. I became very uncomfortable in the comfortable suburbs. The beautiful thing was my discomfort arose not from a cynical judgmentalism but from a longing for something more. I did not want to settle for comfort. I did not want to settle for a life detached from the groaning of the slums or the beauty of playing in open fire hydrants and having block parties in the inner city." - Shane Claiborne

This is where I am right now. This is what I'm experiencing right now. God give me the knowledge and guidance to know what to do now.

Careful Now...

I am slowly crawling out of the depths of a long and destructive illness. (Woah, that was deep.)

In other words, I've been sick the past week but I think I'm almost better. I have a feeling once I go back to work tomorrow I will go back to feeling like crap again though. Not because I'll get sick again; I just always feel like I'm going to die when I'm at work... or is it I feel like I want to die.. I'm not sure which. Either way, I am surrounded by the feeling of death at the workplace. That, and a swarm of gnats.

In other news, I am continuing to learn new things daily and grow at a speed I never thought possible. No, I am not the incredible hulk (although I wish I was), I am growing internally. I'm hoping all this growth becomes apparent on the outside eventually as well. I pray for a smooth and swift translation.

I'm taking steps I would have never seen myself taking in the past. They are baby steps, but they are steps none the less. Once I find the direction I am supposed to go, I step there, where as in the past I would have hesitated and gone a different way.

I ultimately point my thanks for this growth in His direction, for all that He has done in my life. I also am thankful for the people He has put in my path, most importantly, Kelly. She has changed my heart, my outlook and my soul. Or maybe God changed me through her. Either way, I am so blessed to have her in my life. (This is when I stop and realize..."wait. I do not tell her this or show her this in everyday life." and I feel retched because of it.)

I don't care what they say...

Best quote of the week thus far:

"If anyone needed a doobie, it was Hitler." - Jenn

Secret Code Names...

So I spent my entire day with Big Trouble in Little China. It was awesome. What a lovely girl. I'm so happy she is such a big part of my life. <3

I spent all evening with my dudes Spector, Sidewinder, White Thunder, Call Me Snake and a little bit of Prince Caspian. I love my dudes. I can't believe I spent all this time away from them. It turns out, it is possible to date people and have friends at the same time so I'm going to keep that in mind for future reference. Congrats to those who do this well.

Speaking of congrats, congrats to Spector, Call Me Snake, Francine, Jessica, Rob and Kelsie for graduating!! I remember how good it felt when I graduated last year so I can only imagine that they are all feeling really good right now. I'm so happy for you all and excited to hear about future endeavors!

Call Me Snake was being a total jerk to me tonight but I let it slide cause we're dudes like that. And Sidewinder and I are hopefully hanging out sometime this week. At least he said he was going to call me anyway.

Spector and Big Trouble in Little China will get this entry but the other 2 people that read it probably won't. Sorry. That's what you get for leaving early to clean your house Jessica and Francine. =0)

This is Third Beer, over and out.

You've been warned...

Let this be an example to everyone: If you mess with me, I post an old random picture of you on my blog for 3 people to see.

Be warned.

The Kill...

It turns out that comfort eating is awesome while taking place but horrible afterwards. I feel like I could go into a food coma for the next 10 years. Let me tell you though, there is nothing like ending a weekend with Rally's and a "giant" thin mint oreo milkshake. Mmm.

So I've been way behind on my reading (sounds like I'm in school or something doesn't it?). I'm reading Prince Caspian, Harry Potter 5 and this crazy book about changing your life or something. I wanted to have all three of these books done by June but obviously that didn't happen. Sigh.

I'm updating because I was told to by 2 people - the only 2 people that read this thing. I feel like I need to have something substantial in here so here we go:

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." - Luke 6:27-28

Think about that one. I mean really think about it. Are you, as a lover of Jesus, loving others? All others? I know I'm not. This is definitely a challenge I am going to focus more on. Thank you God for speaking into my life through experience and through what I'm reading. It's funny that I came across this verse because Kelly and I were talking about something similar earlier. This was definitely God being like "Hey Emily, remember when I commanded this?"

I'll leave you with some lyrics that have spoken to me lately...

"I know now, this is who I really am. Finally found myself; fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I am."

Everything Starts Where It Ends...

It's hard to find relief when everything seems to be going wrong in my life. This, is why other people exist. The weird thing is, the same thing that causes relief also causes me the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. That is the give and take of humanity, nature and everything that surrounds us.

This is the moment when I learn that just because you want something and it feels SO right doesn't mean you end up with it in the end. Why? Because it turns out you have no clue what is best for you. Everyone else seems to know so much better than you do.

Here I thought we were raised to fight for what we believe in and what we want but we forget about the other side of this - we don't always win. I can fight till I am blue in the face but I will not always succeed. So, the question is, what do I have in me to keep going? To keep trying and fighting even win I don't win? This, I have not figured out yet.

I realized 6 years ago that the Beatles were wrong when they said "All you need is love." But, maybe they weren't wrong. Maybe it's love that keeps me fighting for what I believe in, even if love does not keep everything together. The presence of it does not always hold everything together. The presence of it keeps me fighting for what is right.

Everything just seems so unfair right now.

"By your side I can't pretend anymore. Everything starts where it ends."