The Tension and the Terror...

Apparently my last update was incorrect. No one reads this thing. No matter though... I never write in it anyway.

I'm listening to One Armed Scissor and remembering the days when everything wasn't this hard. If I have to make one more huge life-changing decision I think I will puke.

Here's my story of the day, and I just woke up: I don't know if you've been to my house or my room but my room is located right next to the bathroom and there is a register on the shared wall. Not only could I see through it if I wanted to, but lots of smells and sounds that I would rather not have come through it. Anyways, I woke up this morning to the longest, loudest, weirdest pee ever. Let's think about this for a minute... I woke up to the sound of someone peeing. The sound of someone peeing woke me up. Let me add that I got to bed really late last night. So as you can imagine, I was not very happy when I woke up. Then I couldn't back to sleep. So here I am, killing time. In conclusion, congrats to whoever peed in my bathroom at 8:15 this morning because you have quite a bladder.

I Want to Break Free...

Apparently people actually read this blog occasionally, so I guess I'll update - even though nothing I ever say on here makes much sense.

As of today, I am done taking tests, doing homework, studying, and reading things for any reason other than enjoyment. Yes kids, I'm done with school. What will she do now, you ask? Go to Disney World... or D.C. Which ever comes first.

It's a crazy feeling. It hasn't entirely sunk in yet. All I know is I feel a new kind of freedom that I have never ever felt before. I like it.

I have a bike, and lots of books, and a computer, and millions of things to clean and organize. I also have awesome roommates, a sweet house, and potential summer trips. There is no way I'm wasting this summer away.

I Might Be Wrong...

It always baffles me how long it takes me to realize the truth. I have seen the light and now I am walking on sunshine. I hope this feeling stays.

Everyday it gets harder and harder to do homework, stay on task, develop film, walk to class and get out of bed. It won't be like this forever - and that, my friend, is what keeps me going.

Staying hopeful. Staying positive. Staying alive.

Shoutout to Francine - Tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame girl.

Fast Cars and Freedom...

I'm due for a new entry.

If I were to self diagnose myself, I have a feeling professionals wouldn't agree. Unless they are spying on me and I don't know it.

What are your thoughts on the NASB? I'm thinking about getting one for study purposes... websites are free but I just like books way too much. Besides, I have a new bookcase and it's crying for some friends.

Speaking of crying and friends... Yeah.

Everyday I think of all the things I cannot wait to do when I graduate. All of them involve doing fun things that I love doing but haven't had the time to do. Hurry up June 10th... you are not coming quickly enough.

It Don't Matter To The Sun...

I hate when your dreams are better than reality. I have slept most of my day away and it's sunny and beautiful and now I am wasting my time by complaining on here. For what reason? I don't know.

My dreams were so good. I wish they were real. Maybe then I wouldn't miss out on real life so much.

I should not be as sad as I am with the day as pretty as it is.

Falling Away With You...

How is it that every single song on Absolution explains exactly how I feel? It is as though they wrote it all just for me... except it was made 4 years ago and it explains how I feel now. That and the fact that they don't know me.

I've noticed that not only do I listen to music more when I'm depressed, but I listen to my favorite bands more. I guess it's just nice knowing you aren't alone and somewhere there is some deep, emotional musician writing lyrics and music that will sing straight to your heart. What a feeling.

Sing for Absolution.

Aim Snap Fall...

When people hide, they want to be found. They want someone to go looking for them and find them. That way, they know they are worth looking for. They know that someone noticed their absence and cared. The weird thing about all of this is that when you hide, you can't be found. So, you either hide for a while, and then come out when you can't wait any longer, or you hide and are never found.

If you come out of hiding, you show weakness. You show that you cannot survive on your own and that you need people. You show that you need someone.

I'm hiding and I'm trying hard not to come out. I will never be found.

Fidelity...

This is for you Laura. <3

Ain't No Sunshine...

Best Friends...

Last night was a good time. I got to hang out with my two best friends followed by my best friend and one of my favorite people. The night started out with making fun of each other and having a good time and ended with giggling and jiggling and wiggling and falling out of chairs and off steps. There was also some molesting of ears.

Now that I think about it, this is a pretty pathetic entry considering the only people that read my blog hung out with me last night and don't need me to recap it for them. I guess I just like it in writing so I can come back to it later and remember how much fun I had.

I love my friends. They are probably the greatest people on the planet. I'm quite convinced that I could not meet anyone new that I could like better than I like my friends I have currently. <3

Only This Moment...

I'm in a weird place. I have been for a while, what with not knowing what I'm going to do with my life and all. But right now I'm in a particularly weird place. My emotions have been totally off the wall. I can't stay with just one emotion for more than a few minutes. By the time I get comfortable being sad, I immediately become angry and then happy, followed by feelings of apathy. It's as though my body cannot contain more than one emotion at once so it jumps around.

But then, there is the ever present (as of earlier today) feeling in my stomach. It's the nervous/scared feeling I get when I'm about to give a presentation in class... but I'm not. I'm not sure what the cause of this feeling is. Fears about the near future? Possibly. It definately makes sense.

Tomorrow I'm getting out of the state for a day. That will be nice. If only I could leave my screwy emotions and thoughts here with my bed.

Then on Monday I start my final quarter. I hope this new beginning in school will be a new beginning in other areas of my life or at least a return to good, comfortable things. (This is just a fancy way of stating how I feel in a way that no one will really understand unless they know what's going on, but I'm sure you figured that out already.)

I guess all I'm really trying to say is when can I turn off this t.v. show and get back to living?

Your Hand in Mine...

I am so scared. The kind of scared that keeps me up at night. The kind of scared that wakes me from my sleep with memories of nightmares. The kind of scared that makes me want to sleep all day to avoid thought.

Hope keeps me going. Faith keeps me believing. Patience keeps me waiting. Love keeps me alive. The greatest of these is Love.

Like Spinning Plates...

Why does it always have to be one extreme or the other? When will it ever be in the middle...? And if things are a good extreme, how come they never stay that way for more than a day or so?

I think I ask too much of this life. My dreaming has only brought me disappointment. When I was younger, I thought that maybe if I dreamed a whole lot and wished and prayed really hard, my dreams would come true. Now, I'm beginning to see how much of a waste my dreaming was. Not only that, but the outcome has been nothing but negative. All it did was set me up to feel unfufilled, disappointed, and empty.

It's times like these when I cling to yesterday and fear for tomorrow. I hate feeling like this.

Last Nite...

I had quite a fright last night. It turns out it was all an over reation. I should have known.

Spring Break is so close I can smell it. I can't wait. I'm going to read until my eyes fall out.

I'm looking forward to nights on the porch and deck again. I'm also looking forward to bike rides, long walks, and star gazing.

I wish I knew why I am such an old fart. I always wonder why I miss out on all the fun, and then I realize it's because I objected to joining the fun in the first place. I think my idea of fun is a lot different from most people's my age. Maybe I should hang out at an old folks' home. I'm sure I would have my share of fun there.

Finding Your Feet Again...

I really shouldn't be updating because I'm in an emo sort of mood, but I'm going to anyway.

I've come to a lot of realizations lately about myself and my life and there are a lot of changes I need to make. The first thing I need to do is have more me and God time and just more time away from people. I think that would be best. Plus, it won't be too hard because I don't really hang out with anyone anyway.

I need to monitor my speech, in more ways than one. I need to think before I speak and I need to speak more clearly and without words such as "like" and "you know".

I need to be okay with having God as my only close friend. Sometimes in life you have to walk alone, but you're never really alone.

There are many other things but I couldn't even begin to explain them in a blog entry. I don't even know how to put it into words.

I've been floating for a long time. I need to wake up and begin to live again.

I'm a Loner Dottie, a Rebel...

I'm hoping this is just a phase... I feel as though I don't have very many people that are close to me anymore. You know, really close to me. People I can confide in and just be goofy with. I can count the number of them on one hand. Not that there is a problem with that... it's just that one of them is 2 states away... and it's just really lonely here in Columbus sometimes. I discovered the other night that this lonliness is God's way of telling me that He wants me to give Him more attention and come to Him to get filled up. Yet here I am, still feeling empty. I need a hobby or something.

I see my life as several separate units... only two of which make me happy these days. I remember when that number was much larger.

I blame it on the weather.

Back in black...

I used to have a blog here and then one day I decided to delete it. Well, I'm back. I couldn't stay away long. I miss you blogspot. You are so much better than xanga. Sorry xanga.

Today is one of those days I just want to sit around in my pjs all day and not do anything [yes, I am still in my pjs as I type]. Unfortuately, I have to work in an hour.

I look forward to a time when I don't have to work or do homework on the weekends. A time when I can do things I enjoy as opposed to things I'm obligated to do. I can feel this time coming up on me quickly. I just cannot wait until it is here.

In a year, I will be in a completely different place than I am now. Words cannot express my excitement. There are aspects of my life now I would like to keep; maybe not exactly the way they are, but the basic elements.